1 post tagged “feelings”

I haven't really made up my mind on what I'm gonna do about tonight. Here goes: 
 
Basically, I got invited to a party by this chick I like (a lot). The thing is is that I can't read her. At all. Not to mention that, yeah, I think she got back with her ex...or maybe she never broke up with him to begin with. I wouldn't know (and I'll probably never know unless I ask). Awesome, huh? 
 
Come to think of it, when I friended her 3 years ago (via 1up.com) she was with this guy. However, she's never mentioned him. Ever. If she has, she's probably refered to him as her "friend" or something vague like that. I mean, hey, I'm not saying "talk my head off about your man 'til you're Blue in the face", but, yeah, at least mention him. I dunno...it's wierd. And kind of shady, which was hard to say because I really like her (go bias! Woo!). 
 
She also keeps her status hidden. And she's mentioned (via some survey) that she's "pretended to be happy." 
 
I started hanging out with her 2, almost 3 months ago (around the time of her "break-up"). I could have probably hung out with her sooner, but I have this thing where I don't wanna hang with a chick who has a boyfriend. I have my reasons. The main one, of course, is, hey, I don't wanna fall for you...because you have a boyfriend. This is amplified if I think he kinda sucks. Like, if you're a chick, 18-25, have a boyfriend and is bored out of her skull most of the time, it sounds like you need a new boyfriend (at least). 
 
I veered off course a little. Sort of. Back to it: 
 
Hell, I even tried to not go nuts talking to her via AIM, but that didn't really work (hur hur). 
 
(Insert audible sigh here) 
 
She's the coolest girl I ever met. I mean that in all seriousness. I still don't know her super well, but it feels like we go way back. She's beautiful. She's hardworking. She's kind. She's fun. She's mysterious (a little). She's outgoing. She's funny. She'd get me. And because of all of that, I'll never get to be with her. 
 
I've been trying to write this out over the course of the last few days (I started on 4/2, it's 4/4 today). Looking back there are things I missed. Oh well, I'll come back and fill those blanks in later. 
 
Last night. April 3rd, 2009. I had finally made up my mind about the party. I was going to go, except that I wanted to be "loosened up" before I got there. After getting off the train, I decided that I was gonna buy some beers. To loosen up. 
 
Long story short (I wanna cut out some details here), I took a shower, pounded down my beers, had 2 shots of Baccardi Limon and smoked some weed. By 10:20, I hopped on the bus to get to the party. 
 
I got off 3 or 4 stops before I was supposed to. It didn't bother me much seeing as how last night wasn't super cold or anything. It was about a 10 minute walk to where her directions told me to get to (a Dunkin Donuts). At first, I went the wrong way (I was high). No biggie. I retraced my steps and got back to the Dunkin Donuts. It turns out that I had to make a right as opposed to walking straight ahead. 
 
It took me less than 5 minutes to get to her building. 
 
Now, here's where things take a turn for the worse. I walk in. I start feeling anxious. I'm passed the front door of the building. I take a nervous breath. The elevator is in front of me, stairs to the far right and left. I choose the stairs to the right. I feel like I ran a mile. I'm just a little nervous, right? After 3 steps, my legs freeze. My heart's going crazy. I close my eyes and try focusing. No dice. I walk to the elevator. I press up. She's on the 4th floor. I breathe in, then out. A group walks in. They look like they're here for the party (read: hipsters). They pack into the elevator. I stare at my phone. I walk outside. 
 
I sat in front of her building for a few minutes. Someone out there talks to me. I walk away. 
 
After walking for a few minutes, I call her. She sounds like she's having a blast. I tell her that I'm stoned. Out. Of. My. Mind. And that I got depressed at some point, nor did I know if it was caused by the weed (it might have been). I rememeber my voice broke for a split second. She asked if I need her to pick me up, or to help me, console me, etc. I refused it (she was the hostess of the party). "I'm gonna go home. No, thanks, I'm just gonna go home, okay? Later." 
 
I walked another 4 blocks. It was starting to get cold. I needed to relax.
 
I called my friend Billy (he lives a few train stops away). I told him about what happened. I crashed there for a few hours (it was cold). I just needed to sit down and try and clear my mind. I also needed a drink of water, badly. My breath smelled awful, too.

I left around 2 am. 
 
I didn't fall asleep until 4. The feeling of uneasiness never left. I don't know how I slept at all. 
 
She texted me this morning. I don't want to worry her. 
 
Moral Of The Story: Don't mix Alcohol with Marijuana and DEPRESSION. It'll fuck you up.

I'm done for now.

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