3 posts tagged “friendship”

Sacrifice.

It'd be a reoccurring theme if my life were a movie. It happens. A lot. Sacrifice. Something has to be given up. By me. It's always by me. It's never anyone else, or so it seems.

The weekend that just passed really wore me down. I feel like I'm still recovering from it, but, I'm not. I'm really not. I'm still feeling really uneasy, and to make matters worse, life keeps throwing me these curve balls. One right after the other.

Saturday night, April 5th, I had conversation with my friend Jesyca. It's incredible to think that I was able to call her friend. I hurt her. I broke her heart. It was what the conversation was about. Me, breaking her heart. And me acknowledging it. I didn't back away from it. I apologized a lot, and I was quite surprised that she didn't hate me. She should hate me.  She really should. In fact, her not hating me is probably the most merciful the fates have been to me. I was shocked and thankful.

I met her here about 2 years ago. I saw her picture and though, "Man, she's cute!" and sent her a friend request. She accepted. We started talking immediately. Eventually, we met up in real life and began hanging out. Over that time, I developed a crush on her. It was mutual.

I felt happy.

But, in the back of my mind, I was terrified to be with her (as her boyfriend). I thought about commitment, and freaked. I had flashbacks of Pennie. 2 years came, went and turned to dust, in what seemed like the batting of an eyelash. It crushed me. I thought about that happening again. Eventhough she made me happy, that feeling never went away.

We talked about that.

Flash forward to today:

She IMs me to tell me that her boyfriend (She mentioned him for the first time, randomly, about 2 months ago) was asking questions about me. I asked her "why would he be asking about me?" She had asked him the same and he had replied with "I have my reasons" which translates to "hey, I feel threatened because I'm insecure." Well, that's what it looks like to me (no, wait. That's exactly what it is. He actually told her to "respect" and stop talking to me).

The last thing she said was "I want things to work with him and I don't wanna be sad."

So, I left, said "Then, I'll leave you alone. Bye" and I blocked her.

She deleted me off her Myspace. Awesome, huh?

See...I don't understand one thing...If you saw this dude...he's one of those sub-culture confused Ghetto "fabulous" guys. He's also bigger than me. I dunno why he'd feel threatened by me at all an... Oh, wait, he's a Ghetto guy. They're all insecure assholes. My bad.

Yeah, this sucks, but, if she's happy with him, then, so be it.

I wanna headbutt something/someone. Take a guess who.

Asshole.

[END]

I haven't really made up my mind on what I'm gonna do about tonight. Here goes: 
 
Basically, I got invited to a party by this chick I like (a lot). The thing is is that I can't read her. At all. Not to mention that, yeah, I think she got back with her ex...or maybe she never broke up with him to begin with. I wouldn't know (and I'll probably never know unless I ask). Awesome, huh? 
 
Come to think of it, when I friended her 3 years ago (via 1up.com) she was with this guy. However, she's never mentioned him. Ever. If she has, she's probably refered to him as her "friend" or something vague like that. I mean, hey, I'm not saying "talk my head off about your man 'til you're Blue in the face", but, yeah, at least mention him. I dunno...it's wierd. And kind of shady, which was hard to say because I really like her (go bias! Woo!). 
 
She also keeps her status hidden. And she's mentioned (via some survey) that she's "pretended to be happy." 
 
I started hanging out with her 2, almost 3 months ago (around the time of her "break-up"). I could have probably hung out with her sooner, but I have this thing where I don't wanna hang with a chick who has a boyfriend. I have my reasons. The main one, of course, is, hey, I don't wanna fall for you...because you have a boyfriend. This is amplified if I think he kinda sucks. Like, if you're a chick, 18-25, have a boyfriend and is bored out of her skull most of the time, it sounds like you need a new boyfriend (at least). 
 
I veered off course a little. Sort of. Back to it: 
 
Hell, I even tried to not go nuts talking to her via AIM, but that didn't really work (hur hur). 
 
(Insert audible sigh here) 
 
She's the coolest girl I ever met. I mean that in all seriousness. I still don't know her super well, but it feels like we go way back. She's beautiful. She's hardworking. She's kind. She's fun. She's mysterious (a little). She's outgoing. She's funny. She'd get me. And because of all of that, I'll never get to be with her. 
 
I've been trying to write this out over the course of the last few days (I started on 4/2, it's 4/4 today). Looking back there are things I missed. Oh well, I'll come back and fill those blanks in later. 
 
Last night. April 3rd, 2009. I had finally made up my mind about the party. I was going to go, except that I wanted to be "loosened up" before I got there. After getting off the train, I decided that I was gonna buy some beers. To loosen up. 
 
Long story short (I wanna cut out some details here), I took a shower, pounded down my beers, had 2 shots of Baccardi Limon and smoked some weed. By 10:20, I hopped on the bus to get to the party. 
 
I got off 3 or 4 stops before I was supposed to. It didn't bother me much seeing as how last night wasn't super cold or anything. It was about a 10 minute walk to where her directions told me to get to (a Dunkin Donuts). At first, I went the wrong way (I was high). No biggie. I retraced my steps and got back to the Dunkin Donuts. It turns out that I had to make a right as opposed to walking straight ahead. 
 
It took me less than 5 minutes to get to her building. 
 
Now, here's where things take a turn for the worse. I walk in. I start feeling anxious. I'm passed the front door of the building. I take a nervous breath. The elevator is in front of me, stairs to the far right and left. I choose the stairs to the right. I feel like I ran a mile. I'm just a little nervous, right? After 3 steps, my legs freeze. My heart's going crazy. I close my eyes and try focusing. No dice. I walk to the elevator. I press up. She's on the 4th floor. I breathe in, then out. A group walks in. They look like they're here for the party (read: hipsters). They pack into the elevator. I stare at my phone. I walk outside. 
 
I sat in front of her building for a few minutes. Someone out there talks to me. I walk away. 
 
After walking for a few minutes, I call her. She sounds like she's having a blast. I tell her that I'm stoned. Out. Of. My. Mind. And that I got depressed at some point, nor did I know if it was caused by the weed (it might have been). I rememeber my voice broke for a split second. She asked if I need her to pick me up, or to help me, console me, etc. I refused it (she was the hostess of the party). "I'm gonna go home. No, thanks, I'm just gonna go home, okay? Later." 
 
I walked another 4 blocks. It was starting to get cold. I needed to relax.
 
I called my friend Billy (he lives a few train stops away). I told him about what happened. I crashed there for a few hours (it was cold). I just needed to sit down and try and clear my mind. I also needed a drink of water, badly. My breath smelled awful, too.

I left around 2 am. 
 
I didn't fall asleep until 4. The feeling of uneasiness never left. I don't know how I slept at all. 
 
She texted me this morning. I don't want to worry her. 
 
Moral Of The Story: Don't mix Alcohol with Marijuana and DEPRESSION. It'll fuck you up.

I'm done for now.

[END]
 

I worked my last Saturday last week. JEAH, because, seriously, working Saturdays was really starting to get on my nerves, not to mention that my workload felt like it was growing and growing by the week. Also, I was permenently moved to the other building that the firm owns and, yeah, I do a lot moving boxes. All day. So, that in conjunction with all the shit I have to do Saturday was killing me.

Another really rad thing is that all the days I requested off thus far are Saturdays, like the one coming up. It's my birthday. Thank God I'm not working on my birthday, let alone a birthday that's on a Saturday.

I saw the Final Cut of Blade Runner last night at this special theater, The Ziegfeld. It was the second time this month that I saw the film there (the first time was last Wednesday). The first time I saw it, I went with my friends (from my old job, The New York Botanical Garden) Dante, Jolynne and Efrain and last night I hit it up with Rei and Xose (Jose).

Speaking of which, hanging out with Rei and Xose last night was interesting. It felt like, there was never a rift between us (mostly between me and Rei), and yeah, it was cool. It was like old times. Hopefully, there will be more times like that.