1 post tagged “loss”

Sacrifice.

It'd be a reoccurring theme if my life were a movie. It happens. A lot. Sacrifice. Something has to be given up. By me. It's always by me. It's never anyone else, or so it seems.

The weekend that just passed really wore me down. I feel like I'm still recovering from it, but, I'm not. I'm really not. I'm still feeling really uneasy, and to make matters worse, life keeps throwing me these curve balls. One right after the other.

Saturday night, April 5th, I had conversation with my friend Jesyca. It's incredible to think that I was able to call her friend. I hurt her. I broke her heart. It was what the conversation was about. Me, breaking her heart. And me acknowledging it. I didn't back away from it. I apologized a lot, and I was quite surprised that she didn't hate me. She should hate me.  She really should. In fact, her not hating me is probably the most merciful the fates have been to me. I was shocked and thankful.

I met her here about 2 years ago. I saw her picture and though, "Man, she's cute!" and sent her a friend request. She accepted. We started talking immediately. Eventually, we met up in real life and began hanging out. Over that time, I developed a crush on her. It was mutual.

I felt happy.

But, in the back of my mind, I was terrified to be with her (as her boyfriend). I thought about commitment, and freaked. I had flashbacks of Pennie. 2 years came, went and turned to dust, in what seemed like the batting of an eyelash. It crushed me. I thought about that happening again. Eventhough she made me happy, that feeling never went away.

We talked about that.

Flash forward to today:

She IMs me to tell me that her boyfriend (She mentioned him for the first time, randomly, about 2 months ago) was asking questions about me. I asked her "why would he be asking about me?" She had asked him the same and he had replied with "I have my reasons" which translates to "hey, I feel threatened because I'm insecure." Well, that's what it looks like to me (no, wait. That's exactly what it is. He actually told her to "respect" and stop talking to me).

The last thing she said was "I want things to work with him and I don't wanna be sad."

So, I left, said "Then, I'll leave you alone. Bye" and I blocked her.

She deleted me off her Myspace. Awesome, huh?

See...I don't understand one thing...If you saw this dude...he's one of those sub-culture confused Ghetto "fabulous" guys. He's also bigger than me. I dunno why he'd feel threatened by me at all an... Oh, wait, he's a Ghetto guy. They're all insecure assholes. My bad.

Yeah, this sucks, but, if she's happy with him, then, so be it.

I wanna headbutt something/someone. Take a guess who.

Asshole.

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